Holed Up With That Bastard
by LawlessRuthlessHeartless
Summary: Solomon & Haji have hated each other almost from when they first set eyes on each other. However, they're stuck in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. They can't kill each other. What will they finally be driven into doing?  Note: NOT A YAOI FIC!
1. Damn Slow Internet

**Well, I got the idea to do this a while back, and I finally did it before I lost the vision of the two of them, stuck together in a cabin for a whole day XD Look, I mean absoulutely no offense to any Yaoi writers out here on fanfiction. Actually, I think you're quite brave writing those pairings, because I'm guessing you're probably more likely to get flamed by people who really dislike those sort of pairings. I'm just making what is sort of a crack fic, with a pinch of homosexuality and some OOCness (just to attempt to make it funny), and kind of an alternate universe. I mean, if it wasn't an alternate universe, Blood+ would not exist on fanfiction (that would be a really sad world). This is not a serious fanfic, and so I'm not going to write in the characters seriously. Which means that they're going to be out of character. Not incredibly drastically, but is it funny when Haji just stares at the screen and walks away to go back to playing his cello, and Solomon just shuts the laptop and does whatever he does on the weekends (masturbate, perhaps? xD)? Not really, so I figured I'd pump them up a bit. Hopefully, you'll laugh at this. If you don't, well, I guess your sense of humor just isn't like mine, which really doesn't bother me (please don't flame at any of my 'humor'. Yes, there's language in this fic. If you don't like it, don't read it, and just know that if you do flame me, I really don't care. It would just be appreciated if you weren't clogging up my inbox or review page with your uber-sensitive crap) If you don't laugh and were hoping to laugh, I'm sorry I failed you. I'll get better, promise! ^W^ If you did laugh, I'm happy you did! Here's another point I would like to make: THIS IS NOT, I REPEAT ****NOT**** A SLASH FIC. Maybe, MAYBE someday I'll write yaoi. Probably not, and if I do, it will not involve sex. But this fanfic is ****not**** and ****will not ****transform into magical, turn-you-on-so-hard-gotta-go-take-care-of-it, sexy mystical chevalier sex. And there you are. About the flaming topics, as well- you might find the writing in this fic a bit more biased towards Haji, because I like him better than Solomon. However, that does not mean that I hate Solomon (sweet Jesus, I love the guy- if only he'd stay out of the romance department when it comes to Saya and NOT get himself killed TT_TT ), or that either of them is going to 'win' this little weekend battle of wits. They're just going to continually get back at each other. I'm only going to do the one day until they go to sleep that night; but if I'm prompted, I'll write a sequel. Anyways, please don't flame me because I like Haji better than poor Solomon. Really. It's immature, and for any fangirls attemping to flame me, **_**Please go get a life and stop freaking out at people because they don't like the fictional guy you would kill to screw. It's like freaking out at someone for not liking your imaginary friend . **_**Now that that's out there, just... yeah. Don't flame me about the way I've partially characterized them, or who does what. Please and thank you ^W^ All the same, if you liked it, I'm glad you did. If you didn't, don't care, and flaming me won't make me any more interested in how angry you feel about what I've written. Feel free to leave a review, that would be very appreciated! Just... do what you like, I guess. Thanks for reading, if you do, and sorry for making you read that semi-rant :)**

Haji and Solomon were stuck together in the cabin that Solomon had insisted on renting for Saya; it turned out she had agreed to spend the weekend there with both of them and hadn't had the heart to tell one about the other. Not only that, but she needed an unforetold blood transfusion (Solomon and Haji were both of one mind in that respect: _Damn you, Julia_), and town was around a five hour drive away.

They would be alone together for the whole day, and weren't allowed to kill each other. Saya had been insistent on Haji staying- she told him that if him and Solomon couldn't learn to get along, she wouldn't come back. Naturally, he agreed- he would have without the threat. He was, after all, her chevalier, and her wish was (even if reluctantly) his wish. He showed any reluctance he had towards her will rarely, but this was something he could not hide.

That incompetent prettyboy thought he could be Saya's 'chevalier'. _He_ was Saya's chevalier, and no one else, particularly stupidface. That, in a nutshell, was what Haji was thinking.

Then, there were Solomon's thoughts about the whole situation. Solomon felt like exploding with jealousy at the fact Haji was Saya's chevalier, and often wanted to tear his other arm off, along with his head and the rest of his limbs. He detested that stupid, cello-playing, girl-stealing, emo, super-long-haired, pantene-using chevalier.

Ponytails weren't cool... just shaggy blonde hair that hung in your eyes in a way that made girls practically faint as you walked by. And Herbal Essences.

Saya had told him as well that if he couldn't get along with Haji, she simply wouldn't come back that weekend. He would be 'civil' until Saya got back. Savage later, after this damned weekend, when she wasn't around. And perhaps annoy emo boy with some fake cheerfulness in the meantime.

There were only two queen beds, no pullout couch -just a chair- (and a sunken-in, uncomfortable one at that), and a TV that only had two channels. Care bears and news in Russian. However, the two beds were interesting- she would have to choose who she would sleep with. Then again, he would bet every last cent of his money emo boy would sleep on the floor for her.

Solomon sighed and plopped into the rather sunken chair, staring out the window into the bleak, stormy day. It was nothing but the two of them and miles and miles of open -and rather flooded- field. They had both hoped to have it to _Saya_ and themselves, but sadly, you don't always get what you want.

Actually, the place was a total dump, which wasn't what the damn ad had implied. Not the best place for a romantic weekend, anyway.

Usually, the results of what one wanted weren't this bad for most people. Actually, on the overall whole, neither one's luck had ever been very much on their side. But that is not what this story is about. This is a story of Solomon fatefully coming to google their names on that slow, slow internet for the sake of avoiding one of their possibly fatal fights.

And it begins with Haji beginning to take out his cello, sitting as far away from Solomon as was possible on the hard wooden floor while Solomon tried to concentrate on the fact that Saya would be back that night. Haji gently lifted the top of the cello case, holding back a sigh. Solomon was tapping his fingers on the chair arm, glaring dully at the dirt road outside that seemed to wind on forever.

Haji removed the bow from the case, and set it beside him as he reached back down and gently erected the cello, removing that from the case as well and grabbing back the bow from beside his thigh. Solomon glanced in Haji's direction and caught his eye. They glared at each other for a moment before returning to their previous activities, the fiery atmosphere intensifying.

Haji began to play one of his favorites: a melancholy, slow piece, something that was - despite how 'sad' the situation was and the weather outside- very unfitting to the current tense, angry atmosphere. Solomon sighed again, louder than before, and Haji stopped playing to look up at him from the strings.

"Does my music bother you?"

He said, his words laced with venom. "Yes." Solomon said briskly, turning from his view of the rainy outdoors. The connective glare happened again, and Solomon narrowed his eyes as Haji turned away and began playing for the second time. Solomon's tapping fingers balled into a fist on the ragged chair arm, and he got up to get a glass of water, trying to ignore the depressing tune in the background.

Haji took advantage of the chance to steal Solomon's seat, soundlessly getting up from the floor and moving the large instrument with him. "Jackass." Solomon muttered. He assumed Haji had heard him, because he started playing again when he sat down, even louder. Solomon managed to find a dusty glass in the cupboards, but had a little more trouble finding the sink. Haji finally let out the sigh he'd been holding back, and stopped playing to inform prettyboy his quest for water wasn't going to work out.

"Solomon,"

He said, turning to Solomon as he froze while checking one of the bottom cupboards. "the _pump_ is outside." Haji finished. Solomon almost growled as he slammed the glass down on the counter. Had it been anyone else, he would have said 'thank you' but when it came to Haji, it was a flat out no when it came to any kind of gratitude. It was Haji's turn to mutter.

"You get what you pay for..."

He said below the music he had started playing again. "Are you implying I'm 'cheap'?" Solomon said, leaning against the counter to glare at Haji yet again, sick of not getting the point across and knowing that if they continued subtly bickering like a bitter old couple who wished they were divorced, it would carry on like that all afternoon.

Haji stopped playing for the final time and replaced the cello and its bow before speaking again, becoming rather frustrated by the fact he couldn't play for more than ten seconds before being interrupted or having to interrupt. "Perhaps you could have just left Saya alone altogether and saved your precious money, rather than making her life more complicated by adding what you would clearly like to call a 'relationship'?"

Haji replied, the venom in his voice more pronounced. Solomon scoffed, trying to look unperturbed by the subtle insults Haji had unnessacarily inserted into that sentence. Underneath the mask, he wanted to tear Haji's face off, but getting to him was more important. If a battle of wits was what Haji wanted, he would damn well get it- and no doubt a run for his money as well.

"Haji, I don't recall asking for your opinion on what I would like to do to Saya. And you haven't answered my question." Haji swung his arm over the back of the chair, turning to fully face Solomon and look him in the eye. "Solomon, I don't recall asking what you would like to do to _my Saya_ at all." He said, frowning.

He was giving off a dangerous vibe, something Solomon really wasn't worried about at all. Haji truly was Saya's bitch, and wouldn't hurt him as long as she ordered him not to do so. So what if emo boy was getting angry? This was fun. However, he knew he couldn't keep this up, or they would never 'get along'.

"Would you like me to describe them to you in detail, or should I make you a formal list?"

Solomon said, striding to the computer on a desk directly beside the chair that fitted snugly between the right arm of Haji's sea and the wall. Solomon sat in the creaky desk chair and pressed the power button, 'smiling' at Haji as he did so. He'd thought this was going to be a very dull (and possibly painful) day, but it was turning out to be rather entertaining. For now, at least. Haji was easier to annoy than he'd thought.

He looked like he was about to speak before Solomon cut him off, keeping in mind (somewhat) that Saya had asked them to get along.

"Look. We can fight over Saya -don't look at me like that- or we can try to be semi-civil and see if both of us see the end of the day alive."

Haji narrowed his eyes, but he didn't reply. Instead, he turned away and took to Solomon's past activity, glaring out the window. Haji flexed the fingers on his bandaged arm, resisting a strong urge to wrap them around Solomon's slim neck. Just barely maintaining his temper, he managed to stay still with the exception of that infuriated movement. _Don't hurt him, don't kill him, it's Saya's wish-_ He thought, his train of thought cut off by Solomon's 'melodious' voice. "Hey, the internet is actually working!"

It was then Solomon remembered he never visited any websites other than his e-mail (), which he had checked that morning before he left for this little cabin, now his own personal hell on earth. The homepage for the laptop was Google, which was interesting enough. There was just one problem. What the fuck should he Google?

"...Haji, as an aqquaintance, I'm asking you an honest question. What should I Google?" Haji's head fell onto the back of the chair, his eyes closed. "Why is Solomon such a doucheb-" Solomon cut him off before he could finish, the jackass. "-Hey! We're supposed to 'get along'. Unless you're going to... **disobey Saya**?" Solomon said the last two words dramatically, with a pause before them for extra effect. He added a gasp, just to top it off.

Haji didn't open his eyes, but frowned slightly as he took a swipe at Solomon with his bandaged arm, nearly taking the top half off the computer as Solomon ducked and nearly fell off his chair. Haji replaced his arm as though nothing had happened.

"Sorry. Spasm."

He said casually, relaxing further into the couch. Solomon flipped his bangs out of his eyes. "I need a serious, actual suggestion. Not as your worst enemy, but as an aqquaintance." Haji opened one eye to glare at him. "Aqquaintances?" He said, watching Solomon trying to look haughty as he brushed off the keyboard.

"Would you like the definition?"

Solomon said, poising his hands to type. Sadly, he was just as slow at typing as the dusty old computer was at starting up- he really wasn't a computer person, and quite frankly hated technology. When he did type, he did it in an awkward way. His hands looked like he was getting ready to dance to the chorus of 'Thriller'.

"Just... just shut up and think of something yourself, prettyboy."

Haji said, massaging his temples. Solomon's eyes got a little wider, and then they narrowed, his hands still frozen in thriller phase over the keyboard. "I'm sorry, what was that _emo boy_?" Solomon replied, waiting for Haji to react.

"If I tell you something to Google, will you give me two minutes of silence?" Haji said, a tone of frustration ringing very clearly in his voice. Solomon straightened, eyes on the screen again. "Fine."

Haji got ready to tell Solomon the first thing that came to mind. "Google our names." He said after a few moments, relieved to stop thinking and relax for a moment. "Together, or seperately?" Solomon said.

Go figure, he just had to find something else to say.

"Sweet Jesus, does it matter?"

Haji said tensely, gradually relaxing again. And for a moment, he could have sworn he heard Solomon reciting 'eenie meenie mynee moe' under his breath (honestly, he wasn't overly suprised). Finally, there came the sound of keys being pressed at an agonizingly slow pace, one that would have driven any teenager positively mad.

Eventually, there was one formal, pronounced 'click' and Solomon spoke again. "Wait for it... wait for it..." After roughly three minutes of '**wait for it**'s every few seconds from Solomon, there came another form of speech (thank God). "Mhm. There actually is stuff about us on here... what the heck is Fanfiction?"

Solomon whispered to himself, and Haji heard him clicking away. "Were all of those 'wait for it's really nessacary for _three minutes_, Solomon?" Haji sighed at Solomon, not even bothering to lift his eyelids.

"Shut up, the internet's slow. Oh my... oh my sweet Heavens..." Solomon said, and Haji opened his eyes to the sight of Solomon leaning closer to the screen, an unreadable look on his face.

God only knew what he'd found- innocent prettyboy probably couldn't handle much of what he would find on Google, 'king of the search engines'. Haji didn't particularly care right now. He heard a muffled snort, and looked closer at Solomon. He was trying not to laugh!

"What is it now, prettyboy?"

Solomon was apparently so absorbed by this he didn't notice the nickname usage. "Pfffffft... it says here you have wet dreams about me!" Solomon choked out, finally giving in and nearly dying of laughter, his breath coming in short gasps. He could definitely get to Haji, but this was about 500 million times more effective.

"WHAT?"

Haji practically yelled, scrambling out of sitting position and hopping over the chair arm to view the screen. He read a few lines and nearly lost his breakfast all over Solomon's silly blonde douche bag hair.

-**Haji had them nearly every night, and went back to sleep hoping he would have even more sexual visions of Solomon, his secret desire, and holding his pillow close and imagining it was Solomon he would ********-

Haji's green eyes got really, really big, while Solomon was trying extremely hard to recapture composure. He was nearly falling off the seat he was shaking so hard. Finally, he recovered, and after a few moments he reached to scroll down. Haji had been staring fixedly at the screen until he made that movement.

"Stop! What are you doing, you crazy bastard?" Haji said loudly, slapping Solomon's hand away from the laptop. "I'm scrolling down, you imbecile!" Solomon said, the laugh still in his voice. He scrolled down indeed, and Haji found that much to his agony he still couldn't look away from the screen.

Solomon had scrolled down quite a bit; it was a sex scene. Why did it have to be a sex scene? -**Solomon stroked Haji's *****, and Haji arched his back, yowling like a stray at for more**-

"Oh my... OH MY SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT!"

Haji hollered, shielding his eyes before he ran for the cramped bathroom in the back, finally losing his breakfast over the toilet. He could hear Solomon laughing in the background (over his own retching), but suddenly, the laughter stopped... Not a good sign. After rinsing out his mouth for the seventh time, Haji took a disgusted swallow and adjusted his ponytail before walking slowly out of that bathroom.

He would never look at Solomon the same way again, if he ever did without tossing his cookies for the second time. But when he came out of the bathroom, Solomon was still sitting there, his nose an inch from the screen, and he was bent right out of the chair towards the monitor, his left fist in his lap. He was clicking like mad.

-_Please don't let him be doing what I think he is,_- Haji thought. -_please don't tell me he's doing what I think he's doing._- Haji crept up slowly behind Solomon, attempting to see beyond the curly blonde head to the screen. Solomon was muttering, but Haji still couldn't see the damn screen yet.

"Yes -come on- yes! Keep going! Oh! Yes!"

Haji shuddered slightly. He'd never liked Solomon, but enjoying a detailed sex scene between the two of them he'd found on the net was just damn creepy. "Solomon, are you gay?" Haji said, forgetting Solomon didn't know he was there. Solomon jumped and swore, standing and turning to face him.

"Look what you made me do!"

Solomon said to Haji, pointing to the screen that said 'GAME OVER.' "I died, you asshole!" Haji let out a sigh of relief. "Phew. For a moment there, I was going to think I simply wouldn't be capable of semi-comfortably sleeping in the same cabin as you."

Actually, he wasn't comfortable before, he definitely wasn't now, and if that had have been what he'd thought it might have been, he would have slept outside. Prettyboy looked confused, and Haji wondered why he was such a huge company figure if he couldn't contemplate something like this.

"Why?" Solomon said. Maybe he just hadn't noticed he'd been muttering. "I thought you were masturbating to that story. There. I said it." Haji cringed inwardly at the words, leaning on the cupboards beside him instead. Solomon sat back down in the computer chair, rotating to face Haji with his fingertips together.

"Are you homophobic?"

He said, raising his eyebrows. Haji being a homophobic idiot would not make him think any more highly of him. "No! I'm just not interested in seeing your extremities... let alone coming into contact with them." Haji said, his voice rife with disgust.

"Personally, I thought it was hilarious. A stray cat? Meow!"

Solomon said, winking and pawing at the air, laughing at how uncomfortable it made Haji. "Just don't go there, Solomon, because you're crossing the damn line with that kind of humor." Haji said. They were roughly 4 hours into their 'alone time' (the first 3 1/2 hours spent just totally ignoring each other in silence).

What in the name of duodenum were they supposed to do for the next 3 hours until Saya finally arrived? Solomon was simply going to torture Haji with the words of that crazy fangirl, most likely. "Come on, admit it, you're covering up! You liked it!" Solomon said, grinning evilly at him.

"Ugh... No! No, flat out NO." Haji said, glaring at Solomon. Solomon gave him a look he didn't like one bit before he spoke. "There were some more comparisons in there with you and animals, you know. I could make you a list about that too, if you'd like." Solomon said, taking a pen from his jacket pocket and looking in the desk drawers.

"Please don't tell me you're actually making a list. Please don't. Just don't do it, and you won't have to die when we get out of here. You'd like me to spare your scrawny neck, wouldn't you, you credent?"

He said, glaring yet again at Solomon. Actually, Haji found he couldn't remember a time when he had looked at Solomon _without_ extreme dislike. Solomon had found a bible in one of the drawers, and was ripping out the blank pages in the back.

"That's strange. You used 'credent' just now, like you're some sort of cultured badass. But roughly seven minutes ago, you were using 'douchebag'. I think I can guess which personality dominates." Solomon said without looking up.

He coughed, and it sounded very suspiciously like 'douchebag'. Haji narrowed his eyes. "I just find that being around a person -or perhaps I should say chiropterean- like _you_ brings out the worst in me." Solomon had begun writing on the blank papers, a few extras beside the one he was using on the desk.

Go figure, he was using his typical, elegant handwriting, taking his time. Then again, Haji couldn't blame him- they did have three more hours to go. "Actually, I think it's quite possible that you _have_ no optimal side to your personality." Solomon said as he reached the halfway point on the blank paper.

"Stop trying to steal my frame of sentence structure, it doesn't work for you."

Haji said, leaving his position beside the cabinets and hopping onto the counter. "You don't own the way I choose to put together my sentences." Solomon replied as he finished with a fourish, waving his hand in the air. He'd even signed his name on the back, the cocky little-

"And here you are. Comparisons of Haji to animals, compiled by Solomon Goldsmith."

He got up and walked over to Haji, handing him the note and using his fake, overly cheerful smile again. He stood there and waited, bouncing on the balls of his feet, his hands behind his back. "...Aren't you going to sit back down?" Haji said, slowly raising his eyebrows as Solomon wouldn't stop staring at him.

"Not until you read it." Solomon replied, and Haji's eyebrows cimbed further up his pale forehead. "You don't _seriously_ think I'm going to read this?" He said, holding the paper slip up.

"Haji, look around. Do you really have anything better to do?"

Solomon's smile intensified as he knew Haji got the point. Grudgingly, he held the paper up to his face and his eyes began scanning the words.

**...And now you must wait for the next chapter. xD**


	2. One Sexy List

**And here it is! Well guys, I'mma give you a little recap just so you might remember exactly what the hell that lovely little letter shortly below is. **

"Not until you read it." Solomon replied, and Haji's eyebrows cimbed further up his pale forehead. "You don't _seriously_ think I'm going to read this?" He said, holding the paper slip up.

"Haji, look around. Do you really have anything better to do?"

Solomon's smile intensified as he knew Haji got the point. Grudgingly, he held the paper up to his face and his eyes began scanning the words.

**_Rightful Comparisons Of Haji, King Of The Douche Bags To Animals _**

**_Compiled by Solomon Goldsmith, The Duke Of AWESOME_**

**_' __Hormones like a raging bull '  
' Yowling like a cat '  
' Hungry for - like a wolf '  
' Sexy as a chimpanzee '  
' Possessing the agility of the sloth '  
' Smug as a starfish '_**

**_Yours insincerely, Solomon The Duke Of AWESOME._**

"...Smug as a starfish? Really? Really." Haji said, his eyebrows having remained in the air. He could only guess what '-' stood for. Solomon took a deep breath before plunging into a rant.

"Well, you know, it kind of sounds like: Hormones like a raging bull, sexy as a chimpanzee, the agility of a sloth, it's HAJI, KING OF THE DOUCHE BAGS!"

Solomon said dramatically, using jazz hands. But he wasn't finished just yet.

"You know, like a superhero. Kind of that sort of thing like: '_Look mama, it's the King Of The Douche Bags, Haji!_' or: '_It's a bird! It's a plane! Egad it's... KING OF THE DOUCHE BAGS!_' And maybe you'd have a sidekick called... _'The Douche Bag Boy Wonder!_' The possibilities are endless! And the really sad part is, the author actually used all those comparisons at one time or another."

Haji just stared at Solomon, his jaw dropped just the _slightest_ bit, his mouth hardly falling open. He would have to get him back for this, 'The Duke Of AWESOME'. Before he could actually react and snap a reply, Solomon snatched the paper from his hand and went back to the desk, Haji just sitting back there wondering what the hell happened two seconds ago.

"And now, to write the one about Saya-" Haji cut him off, finally finding his voice.

"-That last one and your comments were quite enough, I'm sure!" Haji said, hopping off the counter and striding purposefully towards Solomon, arm raised as though he was about to punch him as hard as possible.

Haji made a quick movement, and Solomon squinched his eyes shut and waited for impact -so he could say Haji started it when Saya figured out they'd been fighting- but nothing came. However, when he opened his eyes, he found his pen was quite gone from his hand. He looked up, putting an elbow on the desk and his chin in his hand.

"Bitch move, Haji. Bitch move." He said while frowning, shoving the papers aside and snapping shut the laptop.

"It had to be done, Solomon. Otherwise I'm afraid there would have been a critical danger of me having enough of you and your crap and simply ripping your head off your shoulders."

Solomon rolled his eyes, and they came to rest on Haji who was still staring at him like his entire life's desire was to do nothing more than kill him. Somehow, he made it look casual.

"Well lighten up, will you? The weather outside is damn depressing, and you're not helping." Haji deposited the pen in his right trouser pocket, and was about to speak before Solomon cut him off yet again.

"That's dangerous." He said, raising a thin blonde eyebrow. Haji did as well.

"What's so dangerous?" Solomon smirked just the slightest bit, pointing at Haji's 'manly area'.

"I'm assuming you want to keep both your balls?" Haji did not reply, but was extremely thin-lipped as he removed the pen and put it in his coat pocket instead. Like Solomon was towards him, he wasn't exactly inclined to express gratitude for small 'favors'. Particularly ones like that. "What _fun _should we have next?" Solomon said sarcastically, the slight smirk remaining.

Actually, he was enjoying this afternoon in a rather sadistic way. There was nothing quite like this. However, nothing that had happened so far this afternoon had been very pleasurable for Haji. Haji really just felt like sitting down in the chair again and waiting away the last 3 hours he had to endure alone with this ridiculous, blonde twit.

"If you don't mind-" Haji held up a hand here to stop Solomon from interrupting him, and Solomon's mouth froze half-open, "-I'm going to spend these last few hours like we did the first three, and pretend you're not here." Solomon crossed his arms at this, closing his mouth; and turned his back to Haji as he swivelled around, the chair he sat on sqeaking loudly.

"You have _got _to be the most _boring_, _dull_ person I've ever come into contact with." Solomon said, and his arms remained crossed. Haji almost rolled his eyes. Mind you, I said _almost_.

"Give me one thing that isn't dull and boring, and I'll do it. One thing." He said, and Solomon remained still.

Solomon had to admit, it was a tricky question. But Haji hadn't said it had to be fun... just not dull or boring. Perfect loophole. He just had to have a few minutes to think of something really, really good. Something 'interesting'.

"If I do, do you promise you'll do it?" Solomon said, turning the chair round again to face Haji. Haji considered it. It was probably a really stupid move to trust this guy, but after all, there was nothing interesting to do here- and even if there was, Solomon's miniscule brain would never be able to dream it up... It was on.

"Deal." Haji finally said, and relaxed on the counter to wait.

He could barely conceal the smug smile: Solomon really did have himself in a fix. Three hours of boring waiting: (which was _nothing_ to Haji, he could wait 30 years for someone like Saya and had the damn LiveJournal to prove it) that was if he couldn't think up something within... "Five minutes." Haji added, and Solomon looked totally unshaken. Meh, he was probably bluffing.

"No problem." Solomon said, and his eyes narrowed as they engaged in an unannounced staring contest. The cobwebbed-wheels inside Solomon's head began turning, and the thoughts started coming. _We could bake cookies_. Then he remembered what the inside of the cupboards looked like. Nothing but a jar of peanuts and a dead mouse. _A movie marathon!_ Then Solomon remebered they had only the TV, and two really crappy channels. Hours to get out of this open field and wilderness. Yup, a marathon was out. _A snowball fight! Yes! _Damn it, there was no snow. Wait...

"YES! I HAVE IT YOU POMPOUS ASSHOLE! I'VE GOT IT! YES! YES!" Haji backed up a little further against the cupboard at Solomon's unexpected outbust from deep thought. From that point, things really began going downhill.

**Tehe... next chapter makes things a little interesting. In my opinion, that is. Hope you liked the list and what Solomon had to say about it xD **

**Reviews? :D**


	3. Haji's Pet Peeve

:DD  
**Hey again, guys! ^W^  
I know I took forever getting this chapter up, because I used up all my creative juices with other fics, was totally dry of inspriation anyway, had exams, AND got my laptop banned for three weeks. xD I SURVIVED. And now every bit of my brain vomit that has been building up inside my head is going into my fics. :3  
I hope you enjoy this chapter and it makes you laugh! :D Enjoy the two of them torturing each other again.**

Haji's jaw dropped. He'd actually come up with something? No WAY. Haji shook his head, tempted to pinch himself to see if he'd fallen asleep. And yet his eyes still came to rest on the wavy-haired blonde doing the moonwalk in front of the squeaky computer chair. Something was very wrong here: he shouldn't get that exited. Or maybe it was just Solomon, being Solomon. After all, Haji really wasn't around him much (namely because he couldn't stand the idiot's presence). He sighed, giving up. He had, after all, promised.

"So, what are you getting so exited about? Go on and tell me." Haji said, resting his chin in his hand.

"Are you so sure you wanna know?" Solomon said, grinning madly.

"I'm _dying_ of anticipation." Solomon made a face that was a ridiculous mix between a pout and a smile, inching closer. It formed into something even more hideous. Haji instantly recognized that... that _expression_. Solomon was pointing at him, his pointing hand directly below his chin. There was nothing Haji hated more than chibi... particularly the meow face. Damn it.

It was then at that moment that Solomon broke out into song, and Haji could feel a vein pumping distinctly in his neck.

His life was not a musical, nor would it be made so by Solomon's cries of: "You can't hiiiiide, your lyin' eyeeeees~".

Where the fuck did the ukulele come from? This was just getting a little too ridiculous for Haji to take. Solomon was getting really into it with his off-key voice, somehow past the chorus now. "On the other side a' town a boy is waiting, with fiery eyes and dreams noooo ooone can st-" Haji had had quite enough of Solomon's chibi bullshit.

Ripping the ukulele from Solomon's hands, Haji raised it above his head and began bringing it down on Solomon's curls between every word, the following dialogue ensuing:

Haji: "DAMN-"  
Solomon: "OUCH-"

Haji: "IT,-"  
Solomon: "GAH-"

Haji: "SOLOMON-"  
Solomon: "EEK-"

Haji: "I-"  
Solomon: "OOF-"

Haji: "**HATE**-"  
Solomon: "NO-!"

Haji: "CHIBIS!"  
Solomon: "PLEASE-!"

Haji continued whamming Solomon with the ukelele until it reached the point where it was no more than a broken handle with a few curly strings. It was when he lowered the ukelele and reached for his cello case that Solomon, battered, bruised, and lying sprawled on the floor, took advantage of the moment. His voice took on a tone of fake disgust

"Haji... look at yourself." Haji paused, hand on the cello case. He looked down.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Oh no. Oh HELL NO. Haji was, indeed, a very angry chibi, complete with stubby limbs. He turned slowly to Solomon, the chibiness intensifying. "You... you'll pay for this." He said darkly. Solomon's bottom lip trembled and he crawled on his back into the corner of the room farthest from Haji, huge hazel eyes watering up. "Haji, please, you have to understand... I didn't mean-"

"YOU MEANT EVERY BIT OF THAT GOD DAMN MEOW FACE, AND THAT'S ALL I NEED TO KNOW!"

"NO! My idea, Haji- remember my idea? Remember the idea!"

"I have a new lesson plan, Solomon. PAIN."

Solomon was cornered. He had no choice. He had planned to blindfold emo boy and lead him outside, then returning indoors and locking him out (that was after he pelted him in the face with a mudball). Afterwards, he would calmly watch _Russian New Today_, followed by _Cheer Bear's Great Adventure_, while Haji pounded his fists on the window and called Solomon every name he could think of. Saya would find her precious Haji waiting outside like a sad, wet little puppy, and Solomon would be squeaky-clean and shining with his winner's smile. He had had a hunch whose arm she would have taken. He had even fantasized that she might help him lock Haji out, forcing him to listen in the pouring rain to the sound of them having amazing sex all night. A guy can dream. But that option (well, the reasonable one, anyways) was gone now. He would have to submit to a fair mudball fight.

"WAIT!"

Haji paused, cello case raised. Solomon noted how long Haji had probably been fighting with that case and the fact that it was most likely indestructable. His thoughts became a jumble of distressed swear words.

"Any last words?" Haji said, breathing heavily. That little son of a bitch would die today, no matter how chibified he had to become to acheive that. Screw Solomon's idea. He wouldn't _actually _kill him... just maim, or seriously injure the little blonde douche bag and leave him scarred for life in the corner. It was, after all, a loophole. She had only asked them to stay _alive_.

"...Yes." Solomon said, starting to get a vague idea of what he might do rather than tell Haji of his 'master plan'. Yes, he referred to it as his 'master plan'. Stop trying to hold back that snigger, he's serious.

"Well, I suggest you say them before I quit holding back and beat every last speck of chibi -and life- out of you."

Solomon gulped. Haji was serious. No matter how cute and cuddly he looked right now. And Solomon knew Haji would actually pummel him into the ground this time, not just give a nonchalant swing at his perfect face. Solomon wanted to keep his perfect features and his white suit a nice, pristine, wrinkle-free outfit, thank you very much. Last resort moment. He took a really, really, super-deep-deep breath.

"Well... I was going to say my idea, but I'm really not sure if I should now, because you might kill me anyway, so I think some suspense might make you wait a little longer until you beat the crap out of me, but I'm thinking along the lines that maybe if I actually suggested something interesting you might not like it, because I might think it's interesting and you might not because I'm so easily amused, so maybe I shouldn't say that at all and really come up with something else that you might like, but there might be nothing around here you would actually like to do, so maybe my efforts will be totally fruitless, but I should definitely try, because if I don't give you _something_ you'll definitely pummel me, but I can't think of very many things I would like to do - well, I do have a few, but nothing you would like because you're an unenthusiastic emo person - so maybe I really should give up, I'm starting to get really confused, and... Haji?"

Haji had lowered the cello case and was staring blankly at Solomon, and Solomon stared back. Ranting had worked for Solomon. Haji was now totally confused by Solomon's huge run-on sentence.

Score.

Haji shook his head a little and regained his train of thought, taking one last very resigned look at Solomon. "Okay, screw it, let's hear the damn idea. And if you give me one more chorus of 'Lying Eyes' by The Eagles, I won't hesitate to silence you for good."

"...Okay. So, here's what I was thinking: we should TOTALLY go outside." Solomon hadn't completely given up on his master plan. Maybe he could get away with vaguey-ness.

"Why the hell would anyone sane go outside in _that_ without a reason?" ...Maybe not.

"Um... HEY! IS THAT A CAR COMING UP THE DRIVEWAY?" Solomon screamed, jumping up and pointing out the window. Haji was already outside, silhouetted against the horrible weather. "Saya! Where are you?" He screamed, so desperate he wasn't yet wise to Solomon's ruse.

"You know you're crazy when..." Solomon sighed at Haji acting like an idiot out in the rain. "...you're screaming at an empty driveway." Solomon said, still standing in the corner. It was then that he realized he hadn`t yet taken advantage of the oportunity to lock Haji out of the cabin.

"OH M-" He remembered he should probably be quiet. "Oh my God!" He then proceeded to get down on the dusty cabin floor and army crawl over to the door. Solomon winced inwardly when he thought of the shape his precious white suit would be in when he got up off the (rather disgusting) floor. When he reached the doorframe, he slowly stood up and gently turned the lock on the doorknob. When it clicked, however, he noticed he could no longer hear a half-insane Haji screaming for Saya, ankle-deep in a puddle.

Solomon looked up.

Haji was still there... and still staring at Solomon with a half-crazy glint in his eye, like he had been for the past thirty seconds. He spoke.

"Don't. Even. Think about it." Solomon smirked.

In a blinding movement, Solomon slammed shut the door. Victorious, he laughed evilly, head in the air and eyes closed until a speeding raindrop choked him. Gasping for breath, he bent forwards.

He hit his head on the God damn doorframe.

It was then that he realised rain should not have been _inside_ the cabin. Eyes still closed and wincing, he raised his throbbing head again. He opened his eyes and found himself face-to-face with a positively livid Haji, his foot in the door.

"Solomon, if you don't let me in within the next five seconds I will kick your silly little blonde douche bag butt." Solomon expirienced a little inner hesitation. He didn't move.

"One." Haji shifted position for better aim at Solomon's face.

"Two." Solomon got another rain drop in his eye, and suppressed the urge to lose their unannounced staring contest by blinking it out. He also suppressed the urge to cry in a manly way.

"Three." Solomon gripped the doorknob harder.

"Four." Haji raised his hand _just_ a bit.

"Solomon, you're going to regret this." Neither of them moved.

"Fine... FIVE!" Haji laughed as he brought his hand straight up to Solomon's face, laughing. "Ha ha! SUCKER!" Solomon's face and hair were now dripping with mud, a twig in his wavy locks and a dead leaf on his cheek. Haji took his hand and wiped it off on Solomon's suit, all over his torso and leaving very little of the once perfect white remaining.

Haji stopped grinning so widely when Solomon reached up and wiped the mud off his face with a single swipe, flinging what he could of it in Haji's direction. Haji glared back. There was _mud_ in his gorgeous _bangs_. Someone was going to die.

One more moment of eye contact lasted between the two mud-dripping chevaliers before Haji grabbed both of Solomon's arms and proceeded to try and wrestle him out the door.

"GAH! NO!" Solomon's master plan was failing, and there was nothing he could do about it unless he escaped Haji's iron grip on both arms. Haji gave Solomon a dangerous smile.

"Yes." He flipped Solomon over his shoulder with both hands, letting him go so he went flying a few feet or so. A particularly strong gust of wind blew, slamming shut the door as Haji scooped another handful of mud and began making his way towards Solomon, still lying on his back and gasping for air.

Neither of them noticed the soft _click_ of the lock as the door slammed shut in the rain.

**LOL, they're locked out! What desperate measures will our two heroes resort to (after they realize they can't get back inside the nice, warm cabin) to get inside? xD I know exactly what. The next chapter hopefully won't be as long in coming! You see, I was banned from my laptop for 3 weeks, so I couldn't work on any of my fics. SAD. FACE. But now it's up! 30 minutes will be updated very soon, too! ^W^ I've got a suprise for you all with that one! :3  
Well, the next chapter is either the last or second-last one. I'm going to miss writing out Haji and Solomon's shinanigans. xD**

**REVIEWS ARE LOVE! 3 Thanks for reading!**


	4. The Epic Battle Of Our Time

**YAYNESS! ANOTHER CHAPTER!.. yeah, it DID take forever. D: **  
**So, in this chapter, they're probably going to get into some serious crap with the landlord. Or maybe he'll be too much of a hick to care. Well, he's still the the guy who gave them the crappy cabin in the first place and told them it was amazing and clean and whatnot. Bitch move, they owe him. xD**  
**Anways, well, here ya go! More argument! n_n**

"Solomon," Haji yelled through the downpour, a ball of mud in his raised (and soaked) fist. "you are going to get the _whipping_ of your_ life_!" Solomon was up once again, although he no longer looked his beautiful pristine self. Covered in dirt, mud, and soaked to the skin already, he was... smiling?

Well, he had, after all, wanted a mudball fight... kind of. He got to pelt mud at Haji (if he got lucky, maybe he could tackle him too), that was all that mattered. Now was his time to shine. Metaphorically, sadly. He brought out his best aggressive football player voice. "BRING IT ON!"

Haji swooped low and grabbed another handful of mud.

There was nothing to hide behind: just the two of them, tall grass (made only half as tall as usual by the rain, which made it useless for ducking in), and a lot of mud and water. A fantastic area for an all-out-super-epic mudball fight. Solomon smirked.

Haji flung a handful of mud at Solomon so fast he never got the chance to stop smirking, and Solomon replied with an equally large mudball that landed directly in the center of Haji's chest. He immediately dramatically before returning the favor by hitting Solomon in the face for the second time. Solomon gasped. Haji had just gone too far... No one picked up any mud anymore.

They squared off, man against man, glaring through the rain as they stalked each other in a circular motion.

True warriors.

Basically, idiots walking in awkward circles.

"ARRRRGGGHHHHH!" Solomon let a war cry go, making for Haji as fast as he could. He brought down his hand on Haji's head, rubbing the mud through his black locks thoroughly. The look Haji gave him next made him run (Laughing like a madman the entire time, of course. That was to be expected. It was Solomon.)

While looking back at the slightly muddier version of Haji and sprinting for the door, Solomon forgot how short the distance was. And of course, without the calculation of distance in mind, our beloved Solomon ran directly into the cabin door.

Haji was now the one laughing. "Hah! Sucker!" Solomon groaned and reached for his forehead, the part which had hit the door hardest. Haji took his time in getting pefectly positioned to enjoy the look of Solomon in pain, standing over him at the correct stereotypical villan angle. After roughly ten seconds of standing there and laughing at Solomon like an evil guy, the moment lost its charm. Haji knew exactly what it was time to do.

It was time to leave Solomon alone, in pain, and lying in the pouring rain, locked out of the cabin. Smirking, he turned from the groaning blonde and reached out to turn the handle.

...That was odd.

It wasn't turning.

Haji tried again. Nothing.

He had a hunch of _exactly_ what had happened.

Thin-lipped, he turned to Solomon. He had stopped groaning and was now on his feet, clearly waiting to follow Haji inside. Apparently, neither one of them was about to get their wish. "Solomon, I'm going to try not to slap you when you give me the answer to this question. OK?" Solomon nodded, apparently clueless. "Did you or did you not close this door?" Solomon shook his head no. Haji slapped him anyways.

"Did you or did you not turn the lock on this door?" Solomon took a really deep swallow and put on his best puppy eyes, in the hope Haji wouldn't feel the need to slap him again. His answer was the ghost of a whisper. "..._Yes_?"

Haji backhanded Solomon. "YOU'VE LOCKED US OUT, YOU IDIOT!"

Solomon raised his head, both cheeks displaying fresh red handprints. He had been slapped twice. He was NOT going to be slapped three times. He let his anger take over. "WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO AGREE TO COMING OUT HERE!" More anger. "DID YOU JUST CALL ME STUPID, PRETTYBOY?" Solomon was beginning to realize just how much this was going to cost him. "...Maybe..." Well, if he was ankle-deep in crap, it really wouldn't matter how much further he sunk. "...MAYBE I DID! WHAT'CHA GONNA DO, EMO BOY?" Haji knew exactly what he was going to do to the fracking moron. He tackled him. "-NO!" Solomon screamed, staggering backwards. Using the last of his strength, he threw Haji off, propelling him through the open air.

Haji went directly through the large picture window of the cabin.

"...Shiz." Solomon stood in the rain and wind in shock, staring at the now shattered window. He lost track of time very quickly. Solomon didn't know how long he'd been staring, and perhaps he wouldn't have stopped staring if a stray newspaper hadn't hit him in the face. Blinking water out of his eyes, Solomon removed the soaked newspaper from his face, throwing it to the ground, and shook his head to clear his mind. He started a slow, timid creep toward the open window.

Haji was totally out cold, lying on the floor that was now splattered with rainwater. His cuts had already healed, although the blood stains still remained on his clothes from the fall and glass. In fact, he looked quite like a corpse- he was certainly pale enough to play the part. "H- Haji? Haji... what have I done?" Solomon said brokenheartedly, frozen at the window frame.

Sure, they hated each other. But when your worst enemy dies, not only is it hard to find a new one, but it's never the same again. It's like trying to find a new pair of lucky underwear in Wal-Mart. You just aren't going to.

Solomon stepped through the window, carefully avoiding the shards of glass that now covered the slippery floor. Sniffling, he shuffled towards Haji. Saya was going to be _so_ pissed.

Solomon looked down at Haji, who had been looking down at him no more than a minute ago (a truly not-so-endearing moment). It all seemed so long ago, now. Now that Haji was dead. Solomon was trying not to think about burying him before he broke down and lost it beside Haji's body. "HAJI! OH MY GOD, NO HAJI! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE IN THIS CABIN! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIX THE WINDOW WITHOUT YOU, AND SAYA IS GONNA BE SO MAD, AND THE LANDLORD'S GONNA BE EVEN MORE ANGRY AND YOU WON'T EVEN TO TO BE ANGRY AT ME BECAUSE YOU'RE _DEAD_!" Sobbing loudly, he flung himself to the floor and bawled, banging his fists against the floorboards as the rain pounded him and his surroundings.

"Unngggh... Shut _up_, Solomon." Solomon didn't stop his excessive wailing. In fact, all he did was look up and shout: "BEGONE, APPARATION!" "I'm not a ghost, you idiot- why are we inside? Am I having some sort of unconcious dream?" Solomon crawled further away. "I SAID GO TO HEAVEN! GROW SOME ANGEL WINGS AND TAKE FLIGHT!" Haji -very painfully- got up. "Solomon, I'm not a ghost. If I was, my body would still be lying there on the floor." Solomon took one very suspicious look between Haji and the floor. He did it again. "...I've got my eye on you. No funny moves."

"Right." Haji grumbled. He turned to sit on the chair and froze. That was the first time he noticed the shattered window, despite the rain that poured in through it. Drops hit him in both eyes repeatedly, but he didn`t blink.

Haji's thoughts were repetitive: _The window is gone, what do we do, no more window, what do we do, empty window frame, what do we do_-

"HAJI!" Haji snapped out of his trance and turned to a very distressed Solomon.

"What the hell do we do?" He screamed at the blonde, who was looking at the window and frowning in deep thought. It took Solomon's wild imagination only a few moments to come up with a quick-fix. "I know what to do, Haji." For once, Solomon shut up. Just when Haji didn't need him to. This was going beyond the point of 'normal' ridiculous to total crack ridiculous. Solomon didn't move, and Haji gave him another ten seconds. Nothing.

"...WELL?" Haji finally shouted. Solomon narrowed his eyes and turned from the window to Haji. Haji frowned. Was he trying to look badass? "Let's kick some ass and block some windows." Apparently. Solomon strode to the empty window frame with his hands clasped behind his back, looking more like a harsh general than his usual moronic self. "WELL MEN," Nope. Still moronic. He shouted as though he were talking to an entire crowd of people, although Haji was the only one in the room. He wasn't exactly adding to the charisma of Solomon's act, slouched on the chair arm and waiting for Solomon to give up the charade.

"WE HAVE A BROKEN WINDOW." Solomon stretched out an arm to emphasize his point, and lowered it again before speaking. "THIS WILL NOT DO FOR THE YOUNG WOMAN SLEEPING IN THIS RAMSHACKLE TARDSHACK TONIGHT." Haji facepalmed. "WHICH MEANS," Solomon was just getting started. "THAT WE MUST REPAIR IT. FEAR NOT," Solomon raised his arms and was suddenly tempted to shout: 'MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, ARE YOU READY TO RECEIVE-' He resisted. Arms still raised, he continued on-topic. "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST DO. DO IT BRAVELY AND WITHOUT FEAR-" Haji could just feel the full-time rant coming on.

"CAN WE JUST FIX THE GOD-DAMN WINDOW ALREADY?" Solomon dropped his arms and gave Haji a look that implied how he had just taken out the awesome of the moment. He sighed. "Go find some garbage bags." Haji cocked an eyebrow. "Why-" Solomon cut him off almost instantly. "-JUST DO IT!" Haji scrambled off the couch and to the cupboards. It was no good. He'd checked them all. Well, except for five that Solomon himself had done. Haji jumped onto the counter and re-checked.

Number one out of five was filled with literally nothing but air.

Number two had a dead cockroach on its back in the corner, and the bug trap that must have killed it way too close to Haji's face for his own comfort.

Number three had an empty bag of Doritos.

Number four... had garbage bags. YES. Haji said nothing; snatching the entire box and hopping off the counter, running to Solomon and almost slipping on the way- the floor was liberally soaked with water. It was hard to move anyways, with all the glass in the way. Solomon managed somehow.

"Good." Haji watched as Solomon reached into his back pocket, the blonde cocking an eyebrow at Haji's own puzzled expression. He pulled out a roll of duct tape, smirking. "Why do you have duct tape on you?" Haji asked, honestly surprised, and yet not surprised at the same time. Surprised because nothing was more random than duct tape in one's back pocket. Not suprised, because it was completely like Solomon to have a strange and seemingly useless object at a time like this. "Don't ask stupid questions. Watch and learn, biznatch." ...Biznatch?

Solomon briskly removed a garbage bag from the small cardboard box, stowing it inside his jacket. Haji watched as he began taping the corner of the garbage bag to the corner of the window. Haji got the idea, and 5 minutes later, they had a very white-trash window replacment and a _very_ wet cabin.

The laptop was now undoubtedly ruined, the chair had absorbed water like a sponge and released droplets when poked, and the floor seemed freshly mopped. Thankfully, the back of the cabin was fairly dry. The two single beds were, miraculously, untouched by the horrible weather. They both stood back and admired their work. Solomon turned to Haji.

"Am I a genius, or what?" He said, grinning. "...Creative is as far as I'm going." Haji said, looking at the window. He didn't think much of it, unlike Solomon. Frankly, he disapproved of the thing entirely. However, he really didn't have much of a choice unless he wanted a flooded cabin.

Haji gave Solomon a look of distaste. "You're filthy." Solomon returned the favor. "Well, so are you!" Haji scratched his chin. The only thing they used the pump for was tap water... plumbing existed. If the toilet could work... yes. This would work very nicely.

"Well if we're both so damn filthy, why don't we just use the pathetically small shower back there?" Solomon's eyes slowly widened before they quickly narrowed.

"...I CALL IT!"

**I know, stupid way to end a chapter. BUT, the next one should be very enjoyable. Second-last chapter, folks! D:**  
**I'm SOOOO sorry it took pretty much forever! I know I'm ridiculously slow. How many freaking weeks has it been? Many, many days have passed. But now, all I can say is that I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I guess! :D**  
**REVIEWS ARE MOTHERFRACKIN' LOVE~!**


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